Title: What about all the things I just don’t know
Disclaimer: Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to ITV1. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time. The idea of the story as well as the story itself – including all possible pre- or sequels published afterwards – are mine.
Summary: Written for the just_kiss_her prompt “There's always a cup of tea waiting for her on her bedside table when she wakes up.” by fringedweller.
Warnings: not beta-read
Author notes: Once again, this was just too perfect. Besides, the story didn’t seem to be finished. At least, not entirely. :) So, yes, this is a follow-up to What if I just can’t find my way back home and Would you be there to show me where to go. Normally, I love short titles, but once again the line from the song Way back home by the Bag Raiders fit too perfectly. So I had to take it. No copyright infringement is intended.
Sorry for posting this so late. I was kinda busy lately. First of all, once again my life got in the way. It’s a long story that’s not even over, yet. I guess I’d have to write an autobiography to tell the whole story. ;) Anyway, I’m really sorry for the delay, but unfortunately can’t promise to post earlier next time.
Also, I know there are quite some stories I should update, but I’m stuck on some of them. Beyond that I started or well revisited an own project that consumes quite an amount of my time. It’s a stupid idea I had when I was younger – and somehow I wanted to give it another try. And then there’s work, of course, which I enjoy, but it too takes quite some time. LOL
Okay, enough for now. Enjoy the story!
Jess sighed when she woke up. It was a beautiful day. She could see the sunlight shining through the half-open curtains. Alas, she wouldn’t be able to go out to enjoy the sun. So far along the pregnancy, every step she took was difficult.
She noticed the cup on her bedside table and smiled. Every day when she woke up, there was a cup of tea next to her bed – and the rest of the breakfast usually awaited her in the kitchen. She’d told him it was nice, but he didn’t have to do it. But Becker had just replied that he loved to make sure they got a proper breakfast.
Jess couldn’t help but wonder if his behaviour would stop once the baby was born. Secretly, she hoped he wouldn’t, even though she kept telling him he didn’t need to spoil her.
Sighing, Jess drank her tea before getting up and getting dressed. She’d considered taking a shower, but maybe Becker was right and it was too dangerous in her condition. She could slip, after all. Besides, she enjoyed the shower much more if he was there to help her.
Not that he dared touching her any more than absolutely necessary. At first, she’d been annoyed about the lack of physical closeness. But during the last third of her pregnancy, she didn’t feel like making love anymore.
Her phone rang when she was enjoying the pancakes. Smiling, she picked up.
“Good morning,” his familiar voice greeted. “How are you today?”
“I’m great,” she replied. “And I’m feeling better with every pancake I enjoy.”
“Seriously, how can you manage to keep them warm until I wake up?” she asked.
“I magician never reveals his secrets,” he told her with a grin.
“You’re spoiling me, you know that?” Jess mumbled through a mouthful of pancakes.
He chuckled once more, but didn’t say anything in return.
“So, how is it going?” Jess asked. “No anomalies, no creature incursions?”
“None so far,” Becker affirmed with a sigh.
Jess giggled. “That means you’re bored.”
“To death,” he groaned. “Seriously, as much as I hate dinosaurs and all the screaming usually accompanying them, I would kill for a simple anomaly right now.”
“Lester’s torturing you with paperwork, huh?” she guessed.
His groan told her that she’d hit the nail on the head. “You know, for the first time I’m really glad I’m on maternity leave already,” she teased.
“Oh, now you’re being…” He was interrupted by the anomaly alert going off. “Finally,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry, sweetness, I have to go.”
“Go, get them, tiger,” she replied with a soft giggle before hanging up.
The most annoying thing about the maternity leave before the baby was born was that there was nothing really Jess could do with her time except for sitting around and reading. She wasn’t even able to work with her laptop, because with her oversized bump it was rather uncomfortable to work with it.
Sighing, Jess put away the book she’d started. Her eyes were too sore to read any longer, so she decided to switch on the TV. Alas, at this time of day there was nothing than advertisements and talk shows – and she was up for neither of them.
With nothing to watch on TV and no way to read anything else or work on her computer, Jess had a lot of time to think – or rather to mull over everything.
It had started pretty soon after she’d found out that she was pregnant – or maybe even before that, she wasn’t sure about that anymore. She’d started wondering if Becker would really still stand by her once the baby was born. A baby could be pretty challenging, after all, and he didn’t seem like the family kind of guy.
Maybe he would eventually get tired of her and the baby. Or maybe he would realise that it wasn’t what he had pictured it to be.
Jess sighed. She hated when she let her mind go that way and when her insecurities got the better of her. Becker had been perfect throughout the almost nine months of her pregnancy. She shouldn’t doubt him. He hadn’t given her any reason to do so.
But still she couldn’t stop wondering if she really deserved all that.
After what she had done, she didn’t have any right to be happy. She had taken a life, out of selfishness and fear. She didn’t have a right to be happy now.
Reaching for her purse, she carefully fished the small picture out of it. Looking at the pattern of different shades of grey, she placed a hand over her belly and cried. She didn’t bother wiping the tears away she just let them drop onto her collar.
That was how Becker found her when he got home.
Wordlessly, he sank down on the couch next to her and caught her in his arms.
Jess sobbed into the crook of his neck, still holding the small ultrasound picture in her hands.
“How long have you been carrying this around?” he carefully asked after her sobbing had subsided.
Jess shrugged, not really able to answer the question – and not daring, either. “I just… can’t stop thinking about it,” she sniffled.
Becker kissed the top of her head, but didn’t say anything in return.
“My doctor gave me the ultrasound picture because she thought it would change my mind,” she continued. “But… I… I know I should have said no, I should have kept the baby, no matter what he said.”
Gently lifting her chin, Becker made her look at him. “You couldn’t know all that back then. You thought it was the right decision, because he made you believe it was. None of this was your fault, Jess. And if you want to blame someone for it, blame him.”
“I don’t know,” she replied, new tears running down her cheeks. “I should have… I wanted the baby. I… was thinking about whether it was a boy or a girl, I was thinking about names already and I… I took a life, just because someone told me it was the right thing to do. What kind of mother am I?”
“You’ll be the best mother our baby can think of, I know that,” he told her in all seriousness.
“But I… I abandoned I child I wanted, I couldn’t love it enough to…”
“But you love our child, don’t you?” Becker interrupted her.
She looked at him puzzled for a second. “Of course, I do,” she whispered.
“Then we have nothing to worry about,” he whispered, softly pecking her lips. “You’ll be a wonderful mother.”
Looking down again, Jess tried to keep the new tears from Becker’s view.
“But you think you don’t deserve this,” he guessed.
She looked at him surprised. How could he know that?
Smiling sadly, Becker reached out to brush the tears from her cheek. “You know, every time I lost one of my men or one of my friends I felt that way. After Connor, Abby and Danny disappeared and Sarah died, I… I asked myself the same question every day. “I wondered why they were dead or lost and I was still alive and still here. And whenever I felt like smiling again, I had to think of them, and I thought I shouldn’t smile. Not after everything that happened.”
Jess reached out to take his hand in hers and squeezed it gently.
“But eventually I realised that blaming myself and not allowing myself to be happy didn’t change anything. It couldn’t bring them back.” He squeezed her hand in return. “As much as I would love to tell you otherwise, you can’t change what happened.”
“I know,” she whispered. “But I can’t stop… thinking about the baby.”
“And you shouldn’t,” Becker replied. “No one expects you to forget about your baby. It will always have its place in your heart, and that’s good, because that’s how it’s supposed to be.”
Jess nodded, sniffling again. She still felt guilty, but she felt better after talking to Becker.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have kept this from you.”
“You can tell me anything,” Becker softly told her, making her look into his eyes again. “But you don’t have to. I just want you to know that.”
“I know,” she assured him with a smile. “I know that.”
Leaning forward, he kissed her forehead. Then he brushed the strains of tears from her cheek. “Shall we have dinner?” he asked. “Or do you want to lie down? You look exhausted.”
“I am,” Jess replied with a sigh. “It’s frustrating, I didn’t do anything all day long and I’m exhausted nonetheless.”
“It’s normal,” he told her with a chuckle. “Dr. Marlow already told us the last months of the pregnancy would be exhausting. So, do you want to rest?”
“I think the baby wants to eat first,” she responded, struggling to get up from the couch.
Becker had long since given up arguing with her that she could stay in bed. He knew she needed to walk around a little from time to time, so he just offered his support to help her up from the couch.
The pregnancy hadn’t been as easy for Jess as he had wished it had been. She’d had a lot of trouble throughout the last trimester, from early labour to water retention in her legs. She’d been forced to stay at home and mostly in bed for almost three months.
Now that it was relatively safe for the baby to be born, she was allowed to walk around again – and there was no way Becker would talk her out of it.
He couldn’t help wondering whether the burden she’d carried around the whole time had anything to do with all her problems.
He should have noticed she wasn’t as fine as she’d pretended to be. After the abortion she’d fallen into such a deep well of depression. He should have known there was no way of her recovering from that so fast.
He’d made every effort to make her happy, to make her feel good, feel loved. Maybe he’d wanted to make her happy too badly to see what was really going on inside of her. Of course, she couldn’t just forget about the abortion, even though they were going to have a family.
And Jess shouldn’t forget about her baby. He shouldn’t have tried to make her forget. He should have tried to help her cope instead.
“Is there anything else you want?” he asked when Jess had emptied her plate. “I bought ice-cream and mixed pickles.”
Jess giggled. “No, thanks. I guess the strange eating habits are gone, at least for today.”
“Do you want to take a rest?” he offered.
Nodding, she got up. She didn’t bother Becker taking her to bed. And she absolutely didn’t bother that he lied down with her to catch her in his arms.
She slept well that night; calm and dreamless. When she woke up, she smiled at the scent of freshly brewed tea.
When she turned to her bedside table to grab the cup of tea, however, she was taken aback by the sight in front of her. New tears formed in her eyes. There was the ultrasound picture, the only memory of her baby she had, put into a beautiful golden frame and decorated with a small black scarf.
Letting her fingertips brush over the picture, Jess wiped away her tears and smiled. Gently stroking her belly, she whispered, “Good morning, little one.”
She felt the baby stir, but it seemed to be still asleep.
Her phone rang, as almost every morning, unless there was an anomaly to take care of. Smiling, she picked up.
“Good morning, my love,” Becker greeted in a deep and sultry voice.
“Good morning,” Jess replied through new tears. “And thank you.”
“I love you, Jess,” he whispered in return.
“I know,” she assured him, letting her hand caress her belly again. “We love you, too.”
“Call me if you need anything,” he told her.
Jess giggled softly. “You mean like a lift to the hospital?”
She could practically hear him jump to his feet.
“Why? Did you go into labour?” he pretty much shouted into the phone.
“No,” Jess replied, giggling even harder. “Relax, everything’s fine. The baby’s asleep – and as far as I can tell, it’s not planning on being born anytime soon.”
Sighing, Becker dropped back down onto his chair. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I really thought I’d be able to stay calm when you go into labour.”
“It’s okay,” Jess answered, sipping her tea. “Actually, I think I’d prefer you freaking out with me when it’s time for the baby to be born.”
“Okay, I’m rather sure I can do that,” he said with a chuckle. “And I’m afraid I have to go now. There was a creature incursion somewhere in the city centre – at least if your replacement finally got the right coordinates.”
“That bad, huh?” Jess asked sympathetically.
“You have no idea how much we all miss you here,” Becker said with a sigh. “I’ll hurry so that I’m home for dinner. Is there anything I can get for you?”
“Just come home safe,” she replied quietly. “That’s all I’m asking for.”
What about all the things I just don't know
Title: What about all the things I just don’t know