Title: What if I just can’t find my way
Rating: M (just to be sure)
Disclaimer: Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to ITV1. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time. The idea of the story as well as the story itself – including all possible pre- or sequels published afterwards – are mine.
Summary: Written for the just_kiss_her prompt “Jess is pregnant, but the father does not want to take responsibility for raising the child - in fact, never wants to see her or the child ever again. Becker cannot believe that any man would not do his duty towards his child and its mother. In the end, it's the duties you volunteer to undertake that say more about you than the ones that you are expected to fulfill. Hell, I just want babyfic. It must be that time of the month.” by fringedweller.
Warnings: not beta-read
Author notes: I couldn’t resist. Yeah, I too want babyfic! :) And the title is taken from the wonderful song by the Bag Raiders, even though the story doesn’t really refer to the song. I just fit so perfectly well – and yeah, there will be another chapter. ;)
Becker paced the corridor in front of the medical bay. When Jess hadn’t arrived at the ADD this morning and hadn’t picked up her phone, he had known that something had happened to her. But he hadn’t been prepared for what he’d found in the car park. Jess lying in a pool of her own blood certainly was a sight he’d never forget.
He wasn’t sure what had happened. No one told him anything.
Abby, Connor and Emily had given up on trying calming him down. Matt and Lester had given up on trying ordering him to stay calm.
“Captain Becker?” one of the doctors finally asked after what seemed like an eternity.
“What’s wrong with her?” Becker immediately asked.
The doctor frowned. “Apparently, Miss Parker was suffering from the aftermaths of an abortion.”
Becker’s eyes widened. “A… what?”
“My guess is, she didn’t rest properly after the procedure,” he said. “She’s fine now, but she should rest for the next couple of days. I’d like to keep her here until we’re sure the bleeding has stopped completely.”
“Can I… see her?” Becker asked reluctantly. He wasn’t even sure Jess wanted to see him.
“Of course, room three,” the doctor told him, leaving them alone again.
Running a hand over his face, Becker turned to look at Abby.
“I swear, I had no idea,” she answered his unasked question. “I mean, I knew that she was seeing someone, but… I didn’t have the slightest idea she was pregnant.”
He nodded, before heading for her room. He knocked carefully and then opened the door.
Jess was sitting on the bed, staring at her hands that were clutched together in her lap. She didn’t look up when Becker entered, not even when he greeted.
Slowly walking around the bed, Becker sat down next to her. When she still refused to stir, he gently took her hand in his.
“Jess?” he whispered.
She turned away from him, trying to hide the fact that she started to cry.
“Hey,” Becker quietly said, making her look at him again. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
She shrugged. “He didn’t want the baby anyway.”
He didn’t want the baby… “What did you want?” he asked.
Raising her head, she looked into his eyes. “Does it really matter?”
Becker frowned at her. “Of course, it does. If you wanted the baby…”
“Then what?” she interrupted him a little harshly. “I should have kept it and been a single mom at the age of twenty-two?”
“You would be a wonderful mother,” he softly said.
Jess shook her head. “I can’t even come to grips with my own life.”
“Is that what he said?” Becker asked with a grumble.
“It’s true,” she simply replied. “I can’t even correctly use a contraceptive.”
“Hey, as far as I can remember, there’re two people involved in this,” he told her. “It’s not your fault – at least not solely.”
Jess shrugged. “None of this would have happened, if…” her voice trailed off.
Becker frowned at her. If what? Why didn’t she want to finish the sentence? He decided to let it go, though. She wasn’t in the condition for a discussion right now. “So… You didn’t want the abortion?” he carefully pressed her instead.
Looking down, Jess placed a hand over her abdomen and shrugged again.
His heart cramped when he saw tears dropping onto the blanket covering her. He leaned in to catch her in his arms.
“I just… can’t stop thinking that… I could have had someone in my life who just… loved me the way I am, even if I wasn’t perfect,” she whispered against his chest. “I wouldn’t have had to try being someone else to win my baby’s heart. I would have had it for the mere fact I was there. I just… wanted to move on and… be happy.”
“Then why did you have the abortion?” he whispered.
“He said it was the only way,” she replied. “And I thought he was right.”
“Who is this guy, anyway?” Becker grumbled. He’d love to give him a piece of his mind. How could he do this to her? He was the father, and he should take responsibility and not belittle her and push her away like… Like Becker had pushed her away. Oh, damn, he was responsible for that. He had kept pushing her away thinking she’d be happier with someone else – and now that was the outcome.
Jess just shook her head, letting Becker know she wouldn’t tell him the man’s name.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” he repeated.
“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” she sniffled into his shirt.
Becker sighed. “Jess, we would have been there for you, no matter what the father of the baby said. I thought you knew that.” She should have gotten the chance to have her baby. He knew she had wanted it – and she would have been a wonderful mother. Who was this guy to tell her to have an abortion if she had wanted to keep the child? How could anyone be so… oblivious to her feelings?!
Oh, hell, he shouldn’t judge the other man if he wasn’t any better. He had known how she felt about him, and yet he had kept pushing her away. He had never given her any reason to believe her feelings for him were returned.
“Please, don’t do this,” she whispered.
Frowning again, Becker asked, “Do what?”
“Don’t tell me you would have been there for me. Just try not being so perfect, would you? Because I… I just… wanted to move on,” she told him. “It wasn’t like a planned on having a family. I just… realised Abby was right, that I needed to… start dating. I can’t even do this right.”
Becker clenched his jaw. This was his fault. If he had told her, if he’d had the guts to let her know how he really felt about her, none of this would have happened.
He needed to correct his mistake. “Jess…” he carefully started.
“I want to go home,” she suddenly said, letting go of him – as a matter of fact, pretty much pushing him away.
“You can’t,” Becker told her. “I’m sorry, but the doctors want to keep you here for a couple of days to make sure you rest properly and don’t start bleeding again.”
She just nodded.
“Try to rest,” he advised, even though he was pretty sure she wouldn’t find any sleep tonight.
When she nodded and crawled deeper under the blanket, he reluctantly bowed out.
“How is she?” Abby wanted to know.
Running a hand over his head, Becker replied, “Not good. She’s… pretty distraught. Apparently, the father of the baby talked her into it, maybe even forced her to have the abortion. Do you know who the guy is?”
Abby shook her head no.
Becker’s eyes narrowed.
“I really don’t know,” Abby assured him. “Trust me, if I did I would tell you – and I wouldn’t care what you did to him.”
Leaning against the wall, Becker sighed. “This is all my fault, isn’t it? Because I kept pushing her away.”
Abby shook her head. “You know she fancied you, and she was… well, hurt, to be honest, because you never showed any kind of reaction to her attempts to flirt with you. So I told her she needed to move on, and she tried.”
He clenched his fists.
“But that doesn’t mean it was your fault,” Abby told him.
Moving away from the wall, Becker said, “Could you get her some clothes? I… She should feel as comfortable as possible here.” He had to make this right, he just had to. He couldn’t change what had happened, but he could at least be there for her now and let her know how he really felt about her.
Abby nodded. She wasn’t sure Jess could feel comfortable at all, given the circumstances. “She has some spare clothes in her locker,” she said. “I’m going to get them.”
Becker went back to pacing the corridor. Of course, he could just go home and let Abby and Emily take care of Jess. She would certainly feel more comfortable around them anyway. But he couldn’t forget how lost she’d looked. He couldn’t leave her alone. He simply couldn’t.
He needed to get back in there and try making it better, if he even could. But maybe she didn’t want to see him after everything that had happened. Maybe she, too, thought it was his fault. She had let him comfort her, though, if only for a few moments.
“Becker,” Abby’s voice interrupted his thoughts. She handed him the required clothes. “You should know that if you go back in there, there will be no turning back.”
“I know,” he told her.
“I’m just saying,” she mumbled. “If you back off afterwards, you’ll break her heart.”
As if he didn’t know that. Grumbling something, Becker walked back into the room.
“Hey,” he greeted again. “I… brought you some of your clothes so that you can change… if you like.”
Jess just nodded. Even if she didn’t look at him, he could see she’d been crying again.
Becker sat back down next to her on the bed, taking her hand in his. “Maybe you should try to get some sleep,” he told her.
Jess shook her head. “I don’t think I could sleep anyway,” she whispered.
Sighing, he wrapped his arms around her again. “I’m so sorry, Jess,” he told her.
She froze for a second, but then melted into his touch. Maybe he was just trying to make up for something to feel better. But she honestly didn’t care. She felt… empty – and his presence was the only thing making her feel like she was still alive.
Becker tried his best to make things better or at least easier for Jess, but nothing worked. No matter how hard he tried to cheer her up, she didn’t seem to feel better. As a matter of fact, she seemed to get worse. She was hardly eating and barely sleeping anymore.
He almost couldn’t remember what it looked like when she smiled, or what it sounded like when she laughed. There hadn’t been a single sign of joy from her for what seemed like ages.
She’d been so cheerful all the time, brightening everyone’s day without even noticing it. Now there was no way to make her smile again, not even with a bar of chocolate.
She had almost completely stopped talking somewhere during her third day at the medical bay. By now she was only answering his questions with a shrug or by shaking her head. She was only speaking if she absolutely had to – nothing of her chatty nature had remained.
For Becker it felt like she was another person. The joyless, monosyllabic woman in the medical bay wasn’t Jess anymore. Every day that passed by, she seemed to shrink into herself a little more.
And every day Becker got more and more angry. He was mad at himself. But mostly, he was mad at the guy who had caused all this, the man who had destroyed Jess and thus taken her away from Becker.
He missed her. He missed the person she used to be – and there didn’t seem to be a way to bring her back.
Even Connor had given up on cheering her up. Everyone was paying Jess a visit every once in a while – but none of them seemed to be able to handle how she had changed. Or maybe they were mad at him for causing all this. Becker knew he was.
At first, he’d thought it would get better once she was cleared to leave the medical bay. The problem was that as long as she didn’t eat properly, she wasn’t going to be cleared to go home. Becker couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that was what she wanted, hiding in the medical bay for the rest of her life.
“Okay, get up,” he told her on the fifteenth day, grinning at her.
Jess gave him a questioning look.
“Get up,” he repeated. “We have plans for today.”
“I don’t,” she told him.
Becker sighed. This wasn’t going to work. But this time, he wouldn’t give up. He would force her, if he had to.
So he took her hand in his and brought her to her feet. “But I do,” he stated. “And you have to obey, whether you like it or not.”
She just shrugged.
Handing her a jacket, Becker led her out of the medical bay and to his truck. The drive was silent – much too silent for half an hour spent with Jess. Her cheerful, chatty nature seemed to have died with the growing life inside of her.