Title: Cold and discomfort
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Movie quote for 10_quotes: #9 "I want you to leave right now, stay far away from me, and don't come near me again. We're not going to get involved. Last night was last night, and it's all there was, and it's all there is. There isn't going to be anything more between us. So please. Goodbye, good luck, no conversation, just leave." North by Northwest
Disclaimer: Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.
Summary: Sequel to ‘Warmth and comfort’. So you might want to read that first but you don’t have to. And yeah, it was most definitely inspired by scoob’s wonderful story Need. And you totally should read that! Otherwise, you’re not allowed to read this one. :)warnings: spoilers for season 3
They hadn’t talked about it, not once. They’d went on with their usual banter and flirting as if nothing ever happened.
Then she’d been shot and he had told her how he felt about her. He’d always thought that one day he would tell her what he felt and how much that one night had meant to him. He’d never thought that one day there wouldn’t be a tomorrow. So he’d told her – and he’d thought that she’d understood.
And then she had met Kevin. Now she was with him. And once again Derek felt that suddenly there wasn’t a tomorrow anymore. He’d wanted to give her all the time she needed. No, actually he’d been scared.
From the day they’d met he’d sworn to himself that he would protect her, keep her safe and let no one hurt her. Of course, he knew he couldn’t be there 24/7 but he did his best. He stayed with her and protected her from
And he’d told Kevin not to hurt her, ever. Because she deserved to be happy and to be treated appropriately. She was unique in every way. Her style was unique, her skills were unique, her brain on the whole was unique. Not to mention her deep brown eyes, her full ruby lips and her smile. But what had always impressed Derek the most was her incredible compassion. And her strength. She was much stronger than she appeared to be most of the time.
Yeah, she was unique and she only deserved the best. And when Derek had finally realized that all the love he felt for her was far from being of a friendly or brotherly nature it had scared the hell out of him.
He was afraid that it wouldn’t work, that he wouldn’t be able to make it work. And he was afraid that he would eventually screw up and hurt her.
He had never been able to keep up a relationship with any woman – even though he’d tried a few times. In fact, he didn’t know much about relationships. He was afraid that he couldn’t give Penelope what she deserved and make her happy.
That had been the reason he’d never talked to her about that night they’d spent together. That had been why he’d never told her how much that night had meant to him, why he’d never made a move on her again.
And now he wanted to kick himself for it! He should have tried, for God’s sake! He should have forgotten about his fears and just made a goddamn move!
She shouldn’t be with someone else now because no matter how happy she was it just didn’t seem right – not to him. Maybe he could make it work with her if he only tried hard enough. Or maybe it would work because the one night they’d shared had been much more special than any night with any woman before.
He could recall every single kiss, every single touch they’d shared that night. And the warmth her touch had sent through his body. How good it had felt to hold her in his arms afterwards, to fall asleep that way. And how cold he’d felt when the next morning she’d been gone.
He’d never thought sex could be like that – or do that to him. For the first time recalling that night didn’t only cause some very nice memories nor did it just arouse him. It made his whole body ache with a need he’d never known before. I need to feel that way again.
And so there he was, afraid again. This time to knock on her door. But finally he took heart and did it. When he heard her soft voice calling him in, he took a last deep breath, stepped into her office and closed the door behind him.
“Hey, gorgeous.” Penelope greeted happily. “What can I do for you?”
“I… um… We need to talk.” he mumbled.
The smile disappeared from her face and gave way to a quizzical frown: “About what?”
“That night…” was all he managed to say.
Suddenly her face became stern – which was very unusual for her – and she turned back to her computers. “I thought we agreed on not to mention that again.” she stated.
“No” Derek objected, “maybe you agreed on that but… Okay, it’s true, we never talked about it. I never even tried.”
“Then why do you think we should talk about it now?” she snorted still refusing to look at him.
“Because… Why did you just leave?” he finally dared to ask.
Penelope sighed and closed her eyes for a second. Then she replied in a low voice: “Because you won’t change, Derek, especially not for me.”
“What… do you mean?” he wanted to know.
“You have how many women per week, stud-muffin?” she asked. “It was just sex as it has always been and will always be for you with any woman. Besides you can do much better than me. I’m nothing special.”
“That’s not true.” Derek contradicted her. “It was different! You have no idea what that night meant to me.”
Finally she turned around but just to give him a sad smile: “I really appreciate that you worry so much about me, but I’m fine. I was before and I’m even more now. I have Kevin.”
“I know.” he mumbled.
“But that’s the exact problem, isn’t it?” Penelope asked angrily.
Derek just raised his eyebrows at her.
“I’m happy with Kevin and you simply can’t have that.” she concluded. “Now that I spend my nights with someone else you start to get jealous. You didn’t care when there was no one else.”
“That’s not true, I…”
“Stop this, Derek, please!” she interrupted him. “As I said that was just one night and I am with someone else now. I’m not going to dump Kevin and turn my whole life upside down just because you can’t stand another man in my life. And that’s all I have to say about it.”
Derek made her turn back to him, knelt down in front of her chair and took both of her hands in his. Gently stroking the back of her hands with his thumbs he looked up to lock eyes with her and said: “I love you, baby girl, more than I ever thought I’d love anyone.”
Penelope felt tears springing to her eyes. Every other time she’d just believed him. But now she couldn’t be sure that he wasn’t just saying that because she was with Kevin.
Derek could see in her eyes that she didn’t believe him – and even if she did it certainly wouldn’t have changed anything anyway. So he smiled and gently pecked her cheek: “And that’s why I just want you to be happy. And if you think that you’ll be happier with Kevin than with me, I’m gonna except that and never talk about it again. But don’t ask me to stop loving you because I don’t think that will happen anytime soon.”And that being said he left her office and took the rest of the day off. It was too late and he had to accept that. He was the only one to blame for his missed chance. After all, what he wanted the most was to see Penelope happy – and if that meant she had to be with someone else he would try and learn to live with that.